The Care Approach To Consent
Past approaches to consent have often focused on managing risk and avoiding harm. They are often captured by slogans that focus on language (‘No means no’, ‘Yes means yes’), which can imply that sexual violence happens because of communication issues, such as that people don't know how to state non-consent, or understand when someone else is non-consenting.
It is of course key that people understand the importance of seeking consent and that everyone has the right to non-consent, but research has established that many people do clearly communicate about sex, and that coercion is commonly used to push past choices to non-consent (Beres 2022; Wilson 2023). In such instances, the problem is not a lack of awareness about how to communicate, but a lack of care about consent and about each other.
To reduce sexual violence, therefore, more needs to be done than teaching people how to ask and answer a question. Instead, people need to be supported to create a culture of care in which people humanise and respect the people they are, or hope to be, sexual with.
The care approach to consent asks people to raise the bar from merely managing risk and avoiding harm, to instead strive for pleasure, enjoyment, fun, reciprocity, and connection; it asks people to approach sex and consent with care about the ‘whole picture’.
What is the Care Approach to Consent?
Caring for a sexual partner, whether someone they know well or someone they have just met, means tuning in to their emotional, psychological and physical state (Beres 2022). This means being empathetic and observant before, during and after an interaction: noticing when someone seems disconnected, uncomfortable or apprehensive, and responding by slowing down and checking in.
The Care approach is holistic and process based. Rather than treating consent as a single event or question-and-answer, it considers the whole sexualised interaction.
There are three key elements of the Care approach to consent – Communication, Context, and Choice – which we unpack below.
Communication
Sexual consent is often depicted as a simple agreement: ‘Do you want to have sex?’ ‘Yes/no.’ Direct questions absolutely have a role, but consent is much more than a box to tick and forget about.
Consent is an ongoing process of verbal, non-verbal, direct and indirect communication. Facial expressions, body language and other signals all form part of the picture.
Rather than consent hinging on one moment, sexual interactions contain many small invitations that can be reciprocated or refused. Someone leaning towards a partner to initiate a kiss, for example, may be met by them leaning in or pulling away. Pulling away is a demonstration of unwillingness and should be recognised as such, meaning that it should not be followed with a repeat attempt to initiate. Instead, it’s a great signal for the person initiating to stop and check in with the other person.
Caring about consent means observing all types of communication throughout an interaction. Instead of seeing it as an ‘event’ in which to ‘get consent’, it is a process in which sexual partners co-create an ongoing experience from one moment to the next.
Communication outside of a sexually charged moment is important too; this is where conversations about boundaries, fantasies, likes and dislikes, contraception and sexual health can be had with time to process what each person shares.
Context
As outlined above, consent is about more than one moment, it’s about the whole interaction. This means that the context matters. Some contextual factors that can interrupt someone being able to consent, or to safely non-consent, include intoxication, unequal power dynamics, and what has happened leading up to when sexual activity is initiated.
Caring about the context in which a sexual interaction occurs means acknowledging that a ‘yes’ or basic participation is not always a signifier of genuine consent; if someone was coerced to participate, is too drunk to make decisions, or an unequal power dynamic is likely to make one person feel unable to non-consent, then that ‘yes’ is not meaningful.
Power dynamics that can influence someone’s capacity to safely non-consent are relationships in which one person holds a position of power in a space that the other person does not, and who could ultimately influence the other person’s inclusion or exclusion of that space. For example, being someone’s senior in a workplace, or someone who has social influence.
Choice
The Care approach requires that everyone involved cares that their sexual partners are free to choose without consequence, and that their initial choices are heard and respected.
Think of the kissing example from above, if someone pulls away, they are signalling unwillingness. This is their choice. Caring about partners means accepting this as their initial choice, and not putting them in a position to have to restate that decision.
Trying to initiate again dismisses someone’s initial choice, and this is coercion.
Choice also applies to contraception. If one person wants to use a condom, that choice must be respected, even if the other person would prefer not to. Within a process of consent, caring about choice also means respecting any change of mind that occurs throughout the interaction.
Ultimately, the Care Approach asks people to move beyond simply consent-getting, to consent-doing (Wilson 2025). Communication, context and choice are interconnected and overlap, and when all are cared about and attended to, there is much more likelihood that consent will be done meaningfully.
References
Beres, M.A., 2022. From ignorance to knowledge: Sexual consent and queer stories. Feminism & Psychology, 32(2), pp.137-155.
Wilson, M., 2023. Understanding refusals, using coercion: young men’s understanding and use of normalized sexualized violence within heterosex. The Journal of Sex Research, 60(8), pp.1168-1180.
Wilson, M., 2025. Everyday Coercion: Men's Routine Use of Sexual Coercion Toward Women. Bloomsbury Publishing.
