The Normalisation of Coercive Control

Apr 21

Coercive control is increasingly recognised in Australia as a serious form of abuse. However, within broader cultural and social contexts, many controlling behaviours continue to be framed as ‘normal’ within relationships.

What does coercive control look like?

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, isolate, and control another person over time. It is recognised as the overarching context within which domestic and family violence occurs, and can take place not only in intimate partner relationships, but also within family and other relational contexts (ANROWS, 2021).

People who use coercive control deprive another person of liberty, autonomy, and agency, most often through non-physical behaviours but it can be a combination of physical and non-physical behaviours. It can include multiple forms of gender-based violence, including financial abuse and technology-facilitated abuse.

Some examples include:

regularly checking a partner’s phone and framing it as being open and honest
expecting constant updates about where someone is, who they’re with, and what they’re doing
discouraging or limiting friendships by labelling others as a “bad influence”
controlling what someone wears or commenting on their appearance in a way that restricts choice
insisting on access to passwords, social media accounts, or location tracking
becoming upset or withdrawn when a partner wants time alone or with others
making decisions on behalf of a partner without their input
using guilt, pressure, or mood changes to influence behaviour
monitoring social media activity, including likes, follows, or interactions
limiting access to money or questioning spending in a controlling way

What does the research tell us?

Findings from the Comfort Zone initiative by The Line (June 2025) show how easily these behaviours can be misunderstood among young people:

More than a quarter of young people confuse controlling behaviours with healthy boundaries:

27% thought being told you cannot walk away from an argument was a healthy boundary

29% thought forcing physical touch out of love was a healthy boundary

A third of young people misidentified unhealthy behaviours as healthy:

31% believed knowing where your partner is most of the time is part of a healthy relationship

27% viewed jealousy as an indicator of care in a relationship

These findings highlight how controlling behaviours can be misunderstood and normalised within everyday relationship dynamics.

How coercive control becomes normalised

Coercive control often does not begin as obvious or extreme behaviour. Instead, it can emerge through small, everyday actions that are gradually accepted within relationships. Over time, these behaviours can shift expectations, making control harder to recognise.

The way that the controlling behaviours are framed can make them difficult to recognise as harmful. Actions such as checking a partner’s phone, sharing locations, or expecting constant updates are often positioned as signs of care, concern, or commitment. Within this framing, control can be misunderstood as attentiveness, and boundaries can be misinterpreted as secrecy or a lack of trust.

These dynamics are also shaped by broader social and cultural norms, particularly those linked to gender. Coercive control often relies on rigid ideas about gender roles, where dominance and decision-making power are expected of men, and accommodation or emotional labour are expected of women. These expectations can make controlling behaviours appear justified, rather than harmful.

Online spaces and media further reinforce these ideas. In some contexts, particularly those that promote unequal power dynamics, control is reframed as strength, leadership, or protection. At the same time, increased public conversations about gender equality and consent have made these issues more visible. However, this has also coincided with the rise of online misogyny and backlash narratives, which challenge these shifts and often reframe control as acceptable.

In a recent season of Married at First Sight Australia, a male participant stated he was looking for a “submissive” partner, framing this as a preference for a traditional relationship dynamic. While the comments were challenged within the show and received public backlash, their inclusion in prime-time television reflects how ideas about dominance, control, and gender roles can still be presented as part of everyday relationship expectations.

Challenging these norms

Recognising how these behaviours are shaped by broader social and cultural norms is the first step in challenging the normalisation of coercive control. This includes questioning rigid ideas about gender, power, and relationships, and reflecting on how concepts like care, trust, and commitment are understood in practice.

At Learning Consent, this work sits at the centre of our approach. Through our whole-of-school programs (K-12) and tertiary partnerships, we support students, educators, and families to build a shared understanding of respectful relationships, consent, and communication. This includes creating space to critically examine gender norms, challenge harmful stereotypes, and develop the skills needed to navigate relationships in ways that prioritise autonomy, mutual respect, and choice.

By embedding these conversations early and consistently, there is an opportunity to move beyond recognising coercive control, and toward actively challenging the conditions that allow it to be normalised.